How to Balance our Emotional Dependence?
One of the listeners, Ian, need help for his friend who’s asking if it is okay to be emotionally dependent with a person? And how to operate if it’s the other way around? On this episode of Shot of Sanity, they tackle about having a healthy codependence, the limits and the boundaries that lies within it.
The Bar Stool Theory
It might be inevitable to be emotionally dependent on others because of our human nature. We react to whatever we feel and adapt to the things we’re surrounded by. But as grownups, we have to learn to be responsible of our own emotions.
Is it okay to be emotionally dependent?
Joyce and Aaron coined this new theory called “The Bar Stool Theory” on how to balance our emotional dependence. And it goes, once you take out a leg from a bar stool, it’s gonna fall down no matter what. And with our emotions, it should be dependent on three things. First is our own personal assessment to the situation. Anything that we feel will always end up with us, regardless of the things that surrounds us. The last decision on how we will take things will always be from us. Next is our friends and families that we depend on. They will give us outside perspectives of what we’re feeling. And third, how we pray and how we think God will do things for us in the situation. If all three comes together and be at the same level, the stool will stand. But if there’s one that’s a little bit heavier or have more dependency on it, that’s when the stool gets wobbly. With this, we have to make sure that these three points get the same amount of attention.
Your emotion is not a one-sided thing. There will always be physical, emotional, spiritual and familial side of it. You just have to find the balance in all of this to settle for your emotional stability. (JP)
“Life is all about balance.”
How do you know when you depend too much?
As said earlier, it’s normal but being too much dependent on one person just puts so much pressure on a relationship and that usually causes it to crack. If we put too much pressure on someone, we’re giving them our emotional baggage without considering that they carry their own also. And going back to the bar stool theory, if we put all the weight in one leg, it can’t balance alone. It could be okay to be emotionally dependent to one person if you’re willing to be that same person for them too. (JP) But then, learn how to take care of it on our own. And if we can’t do it anymore, go to God and ask for help because that’s the best thing to do.
Setting the Boundaries and Dealing with It Healthily
How do you set the boundaries?
Sit down and have a conversation with the person to set out those boundaries as early as you can. One thing we also have to realize especially when we’re already adults, we have to forgo being too dependent on other people for anything. We have to learn to do things on our own. Of course, no man is an island, we still need people to support and motivate us. But majority of the thing we’ll be doing is all on our own. Even with emotional dependency, it’s okay to have that person that we can depend and count on but we shouldn’t to be too dependent on them. When that person goes, if you completely depended on them, you’d be devastated. Being emotionally strong doesn’t mean forgoing of feeling things. It actually means dealing with it. (JP)
“Think of it as a map. You can ask people for direction, but you’ll still be the one to walk it. ”
How to deal with emotions healthily?
○ Recognize those emotions. If you don’t understand what the problem is, you’ll never look for a solution. If you’re dependent on asking somebody else to help you out with everything, you’ll never learn how to fix things in your own life. (AA)
○ Part of adulting is going out of the comfort zone. Sometimes, there are people who are willing to fight battles with us. Yes, it’s amazing to have this kind of relationship but it robs the chance for us to grow and be the person we could be.
○ It’s okay to be dependent, count on others, have some comfort blankets in your life but what’s not okay is not allowing yourself to grow because you are so dependent on them. (JP)
What if it’s the other way around? What if someone is too dependent on you?
Allow them to do the hard work for themselves. Make them realize what’s the actual root of their problem and allow them to figure it out on their own. There are things that we need to fix for ourselves, alone. We might know how to do it but if we solve things for them, tendencies are, they’ll keep coming back to solve it whenever it goes in the way again. Know that there are always two ways to help someone. If the situation says that you need to help them by fixing the problem, then go ahead. The other way is to teach them how to fix it. (AA)
“Sometimes, we’re afraid of letting people do things because we don’t want them to get hurt but sometimes, being hurt is the only way to grow and it’s all worth it. ”
From Episode 23 of Adulting with Joyce Pring’s Shot of Sanity: “SHOULD YOU QUIT YOUR GOAL ALREADY?”:
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Adulting With Joyce Pring is the How-To’s of your 20’s told by a 20-something, traversing through life expectantly and with gusto!
Episode summary by Chiara
Soli Deo Gloria!